A Double-Edged Sword: Shining Light on the Dark Side of Perfectionism
What is perfectionism?
Everywhere we look, our modern society perpetuates the myth of perfection. Grocery stores are filled with rows of unbruised fruits and vegetables. Social media influencers ask you to get ready with them as they apply a flawless face of make-up in 60 seconds. Parents and caregivers boast about their children’s accomplishments without revealing their failures.
Yet, there’s a thin line between striving for excellence and obsessing about perfection.
Critically-acclaimed movies like the Black Swan and Whiplash warn us of the hidden costs of perfectionism; in both cases, the leading actors experience hallucinations, lying to and disassociating from loved ones, and even physical self-harm. These dramatic displays painfully demonstrate how inflated, unrealistic expectations can have distressing consequences.
This is also backed by evidence-based research. As perfectionism in Asian American adults is rising, extensive psychology studies show that perfectionistic tendencies can lead to a troubling list of clinical challenges, including symptoms of depression and anxiety starting as young as 10-year-old kids, neuroticism, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, hoarding, digestion issues and dyspepsia, recurring headaches, and even higher risks of mortality and suicide.
In summary, it’s not good to feel like you’re not good enough.
How, then, can we protect our well-being in a perfection-driven world? If we believe that embracing our flaws can lead to true fulfillment, how do we overcome the powerful stories we’ve been told about needing to be perfect in order to be worthy or loved? This article will help untangle whether perfectionism is good or bad, and how we can incorporate practical strategies to focus on progress over perfection.
Is perfectionism a good or bad thing?
The short answer is: it’s both.
If you’ve ever wondered why it’s a bad thing to try and be the best, you’re not alone. In some ways, it may feel like an oxymoron that one’s perfectionism is holding them back from flourishing. Like many things, there are both pros and cons to perfectionism.
On one hand, it’s a good thing to dream, hope, and aspire. Perfectionism is rooted in the desire to be better, and this innate pursuit of improvement can lead to positive outcomes. It can be ambitious and noble to set high standards for yourself and for society.
In fact, this can even be rooted in cultural values. For example, Confuscian political theory broadly believes that moral self-cultivation, continuous development of good character, and promotion of virtuosity, public-spiritedness, benevolence, and righteousness are key to living “the good life.” These beliefs are often an undercurrent in many East Asian traditions and faith systems. Similarly, South Asian cultures are steeped the ancient wisdom in Ayurveda and traditional medicine, which believe in a health balance among Kapha, Pitta, and Vata doshas (life forces).
On the other hand, perfectionism is a bad thing when it leads to extreme fear of failure, concern over making any mistakes at all, doubting our actions or intensely criticizing ourselves and others. It brings up heightened levels of shame, guilt, and blame.
Furthermore, there are various types of perfectionism that can be problematic:
Self-oriented: deriving and directing the criticism to ourselves and believing we are the problem
Socially-prescribed: receiving criticism either by working in a highly competitive environment (such as a demanding job with high pressures or growing up in a very critical family (such as with tiger parents)
Other-oriented: expecting perfectionism from others and pushing criticism onto external stakeholders such as romantic partners, colleagues, managers and direct reports, sports teammates, and roommates as way to try and control others
How do we distinguish between the pros and the cons? The difference is knowing whether it is adaptive or maladaptive perfectionism. Read on to learn how you can tell whether the perfectionist tendencies you feel are normal or excessive.
Are you a perfectionist?
How do you know if you have perfectionism? Here are the signs that you may be a perfectionist:
Extremely High Standards: do I feel like I make mistakes often and have a hard time forgiving myself?
Self Critical: when things go wrong, do I automatically blame myself?
Precise and Organized: am I uncomfortable in uncertainty if things are not exactly where they “should be”
Fear of Mistakes and Failure: if I don’t succeed, do I question my sense of self-worth? What did I learn about failure as a child or teen and, based on these early memories and experiences, what have I internalized about myself?
All or Nothing Thinking: what are the stories I tell myself about who I am when things don’t go my way?
Procrastination: do I delay tasks because they seem overwhelming to me?
Now, it’s important not to judge yourself or rate yourself too harshly after going through these telltale signals. Perfectionism may be a coping mechanism or the result of conditional self-worth, especially when a person is in a very critical environment and feels the need to be perfect to be approved or loved.
This is particularly common in cultures with high expectations, such as in many Asian families, where critical parenting can lead to perfectionism as a coping mechanism. Individuals in these environments may internalize the belief that they must achieve flawless performance to gain acceptance and love, reinforcing perfectionistic tendencies as a means of coping with and managing their emotional needs.
Keep in mind that these patterns of thoughts and behaviors can vary across domains. For example, some people may exhibit more perfectionist tendencies in parenting, others may apply this in a religious context, while others may apply this towards regulating eating and maintaining a certain type of body image and external appearance. In many cases, these tendencies may appear in professional settings by focusing on one’s performance and promotion in their job.
Perfectionism in the Workplace
Do you catch yourself thinking that you don’t deserve a job interview or a promotion?
According to the Harvard Business Review, Asian Americans are the least likely to be promoted to management. The Ascend Foundation produced reports about Asian executive representation in corporate America, pulling from EEOC Workplace Diversity Data, and found that White Men and Women are in aggregate 154% more likely to be an Executive compared to their Asian counterparts (highlighting intersectionality)
Therefore, it’s normal to wonder how to overcome your inner criticism when it comes to applying for jobs, interviewing, or advocating for yourself during performance reviews.
To address perfectionism that leads to imposter syndrome, start by listing all your accomplishments, even if they feel like things you take for granted. Seek feedback from peers or mentors to identify which ones are worth presenting for your performance review, résumé, or sales pitch. It can also be helpful to reference other people's examples to see what they have listed for similar purposes.
You can also keep a list where you regularly record your achievements, big and small with supporting data and clear descriptions of achievements and skill sets. It will help you have a more balanced focus on strengths (as opposed to often focusing on weaknesses). And you can pull from the list whenever you need to present based on which ones are more relevant to the purpose. Different settings may have different expectations, so it's important to tailor your approach accordingly. Plus, if you receive feedback that certain things don't need to be listed, you'll know what to exclude next time.
Perfectionism to Progress: Strategies for Moving Forward Without the Pressure
Perfectionism can create unhealthy lives for us. Perfectionists’ need for control often manifests as micromanagement, and it can impact others in different ways.
Self-oriented perfectionism can delay processes and indirectly impact team members. Other-oriented perfectionism can make team members stressful due to the unrealistic expectations that are imposed and critical demanding comments. Perfectionism can affect others in different ways. Self-oriented perfectionism can delay processes and indirectly impact team members. Other-oriented perfectionism can make team members feel stressed due to unrealistic expectations and critical, demanding comments.
In cases like this, try to have open feedback to the person who is micromanaging. The feedback would be most helpful if it focuses on facts and the impact it has on oneself, rather than criticizing the person who is micromanaging. For example, it could sound like, “You checking in with me about this task so frequently and dictating the way I do things makes it quite stressful, and I don’t feel trusted.”
It's important to create a space where the person who is micromanaging feels safe to share their need for control, anxiety, or stress. Addressing the issue in a way that acknowledges both parties' stress or discomfort can be more productive than blaming one person, which often leads to defensiveness and justification of behaviors.
Professionally, if this is happening at work, find ways to provide the person who is micromanaging with the information they need about progress or approaches can help alleviate their anxiety, hopefully reducing their need for micromanagement. Encouraging regular updates or setting clear expectations and timelines can also help create a sense of trust and autonomy within the team. Of course there are many factors to consider depending on the team culture and individuals, their openness to feedback, and any perceived risk of retaliation. If you believe your job may be in jeopardy or you would be at risk, consider involving HR or other directors you report into to build allyship.
Personally, here are things you can do today to start managing your perfectionism.
Redefine what success looks like for you. Aim to be healthy rather than being perfect. Set a standard that striving, trying, not giving up is good enough.
Challenge your existing beliefs and behaviors. If you notice your inner critic being harsh, try to engage it gently with positive, constructing thinking.
Set realistic and manageable goals
Have a relaxed mindset. Avoid scarcity thinking. Practice deep breathing and going outside
Embrace failure. Feedback is not failure.
It’s important to work with a professional rather than attempting to diagnose yourself with any outside help.
What kind of therapy approach works best for treating perfectionism?
It depends on your individual style, the root of your perfectionism, and how change typically occurs for you.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most common approach because it effectively addresses the mindset shift part by adjusting distorted cognitive beliefs (e.g., all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing). These are the more obvious and tangible aspects of perfectionism. However, for many people, simply thinking the right way is not enough.
Perfectionism can be more about conditional self-worth based on performance and being flawless. From this perspective, a humanistic approach, such as Person-Centered Therapy, provides unconditional acceptance, allowing the client to feel safer exploring deeper psychological mechanisms and taking risks.
If coping with emotions is most troubling (even after you know how to address irrational beliefs), Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is beneficial for learning from emotions by sitting with and coping through discomfort.
If perfectionism results from experiencing a traumatic event and feels like hypervigilance with a strong need for control, working with a therapist with expertise in trauma would be most helpful. Additionally, if perfectionism is deeply rooted in family dynamics, especially within cultures that emphasize high expectations and harsh criticism, such as in many Asian cultures, finding a therapist sensitive to and understanding of these dynamics is crucial.
Conclusion
In summary, the best therapy approach for treating perfectionism varies depending on individual needs. Whether it's CBT for cognitive restructuring, person-centered therapy for unconditional acceptance, EFT for emotional coping, or trauma-informed therapy for addressing past traumas, the key is to find a therapeutic approach that resonates with the individual's specific circumstances and needs. Finally, having a coach who understands the framework of coping with perfectionism to work alongside a therapist who can explore deep into the roots can also be very helpful!
