When Coping Goes South

Written by: Naomi Yu

At Anise, we try to stay away from labels like “good” or “bad”. The truth is that the world is not black-or-white and the more we try to force our life into boxes, the worse we tend to feel. When it comes to how you manage stress, as long as you aren’t actively harming yourself or anybody else, why beat yourself up if something works for you?

With that being said, there is usually a line somewhere when a coping skill stops working or even begins to make things worse. Where that line is drawn is usually determined by some combination of context, frequency, intensity, duration, and impact. Part of growth involves learning to discern when and where certain behaviors are appropriate, and our coping skills are included in that umbrella as well.

So how can you tell when you’re crossing the line? Again, there is no right or wrong answer. What we need also changes day-by-day, and sometimes even moment-to-moment. A glass of wine at the end of a long day isn’t inherently bad, but if you have a family history of alcoholism or if it starts to disturb your sleep, then maybe it’s time to cut down. The idea of working out is often presented as a “better” alternative, but if you’re going so hard that you injure yourself or if you feel immense guilt if you miss a workout, then, again, it might be a good idea to slow down and reexamine your habits. 

This also applies to watching TV. Everybody needs a break sometimes and it sure is nice to be able to escape into a different world. But if you binge watch for so long that you no longer remember what day it is when you get off the couch, then that doesn’t sound very helpful. Similarly, while social media can help us feel connected to people, if it’s causing you to feel bad about your life compared to others and you can’t stop “doomscrolling,” it’s time to put that phone down. 

It can also be helpful to check in on what coping skills you’ve inherited. Especially in Asian American families, we’re often taught to deal with stress by repressing our feelings and working harder. Being able to push through hard times is a valuable skill, but do you ever let yourself fully relax? Or do you find that, even in your free time, you keep spinning your wheels constantly checking your to-do lists and spreadsheets? While being organized helps us function, for many Asian Americans, it can veer into perfectionism territory that comes with a lot of anxiety and self-blame, as well. 

So take some time to reflect - how will you know if/when your coping starts going south? Do you feel it in your body? Does it start to negatively impact other areas of your life? Does it take a toll on your relationships, including your relationship to yourself?? Do you feel regret and shame afterwards? Developing this insight about your yellow flags can help you keep better track of how you are doing and if you need to make any adjustments. After all, taking care of ourselves is a process and the more we learn and practice, the better we get at it. 

Author’s bio

Naomi (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (CA - LMFT#110092) and Registered Art Therapist (ATR) based in the San Francisco Bay Area and Portland, OR. She is a psychotherapist with Anise Health. She also has a private practice and leads groups/workshops in corporate, nonprofit, and community settings. In addition, Naomi serves on the Advisory Circle for New Seneca Village, a nonprofit network offering restorative retreats for cis, trans and non-binary Black, Indigenous and women of color leaders.