Why Is Becoming a Parent and Raising Children So Challenging? Parenting Through a Culturally Responsive Lens

Stepping into the role of a parent is a transformative experience, one that is deeply influenced by cultural expectations, family dynamics, and societal pressures. For Asian Americans, the intersection of these factors can lead to culturally-specific hurdles through the journey of parenthood.

Parenthood ranked as the most important priority in life, ahead of career success, homeownership, and helping others in need, in a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center. 67% of Asian Americans said being a good parent is important in life, compared to 50% of the broader public. 

Since the Asian diaspora is not a monolith, there are even nuances within this general statistic. Indian parents were most likely to say being a good parent is one of the most important things in their lives; 78% of Indian respondents agreed with this statement. This was closely followed by Vietnamese parents, Filipino parents and, fourthly, Korean parents. 

Yet, being a parent is already a stressful experience. 41% of Americans in a poll say being a parent is tiring while 29% say it’s exhausting all or most of the time. It’s no wonder that being an Asian parent is its own special flavor of stressful!

So, what are the particular types of stress at each stage of parenting, and how can Asian Americans cope? This article breaks down each phase and offers tactical techniques at the end to practice self-care when it feels like you have no time for yourself.

Managing anxiety while family planning and preparing for pregnancy

Your experience of parenthood begins long before a child is born. In many of our Asian cultures, there is a strong emphasis on a strict, one-size-fits-all timeline for having children, which can place pressure on you to start a family at a certain age. For example, Asian women have been called “leftover women” for being unmarried and childless at 30. Compounded by the stigma that surrounds alternative methods like IVF (in vitro fertilization) or adoption, you will likely start thinking about becoming a parent before you make the decision itself. 

Self-awareness and self-advocacy will be key here. To help you regulate your emotions and stay true to your values, it’s important to listen to your own needs and advocate for the family planning timeline that feels right to you.

Once you reach the milestone itself of having kids, during pregnancy you might encounter various expectations from family members about how you should go about it. Your mom, aunt, mother-in-law, or even neighbors may suddenly become annoyingly opinionated about what you should eat or do, such as specific Asian dishes rooted in Traditional Chinese Medicine. From old wives’ tales about what you should eat or avoid to ensure a healthy baby, to the expectation that you should be surrounded by family during this time, these cultural norms can shape your experience and cloud your vision of how you want to do things. 

During this time, it’s important to get super clear on your desires for your pregnancy, and what boundaries you want to have on the involvement of others. You might consider including a doula in your pregnancy and birth journey, perhaps choosing one of Asian descent who understands your heritage and can be a third-party to help you blend traditional and modern care approaches. 

Additionally, choosing the right healthcare provider becomes crucial. Women’s health is already underserved, with only 2% of medical research funding spent on pregnancy, childbirth and female reproductive health, and this disparity is even more pronounced for women of color. Finding a doctor who respects and understands your cultural background, listens to your concerns, and takes your needs seriously is vital. 

This is particularly important as pregnancy is not without its potential challenges. Hopefully your experience will be smooth and healthy, but you could experience a wide variety of complications. From difficult symptoms like morning sickness and brain fog, through to more serious developments like facing a miscarriage or a stillbirth, it’s crucial to have a team of people around you who will support you. This extends beyond your medical team, and includes your partner and family. Having strong foundations of your relationship with your partner, knowing you can rely on them, and having a clear and healthy channel of communication about your needs and boundaries with family can go a long way.

Stress relief and self-care during childbirth and early days with a Newborn

The birth of your child marks the beginning of a new chapter in your life, one hopefully filled with both incredible excitement, and also its own new challenges. This period can be particularly demanding as you navigate the physical and emotional changes that come with childbirth and the early days of caring for a newborn.

The relationship with your healthcare provider continues to play a crucial role during this time. Ensuring that you have a birthing plan that reflects your values and needs, and that you are supported by a medical team that understands and respects your cultural background, is essential. 

In many Asian cultures, there are specific rituals and practices associated with childbirth and postpartum care. For example, Chinese rituals dictate that after giving birth, the mother should remain at home during the zuo yue (坐月) or “30-day confinement period”. During this time, her family feed her an appropriate and nutrient-rich confinement diet to aid with recuperation, and make offerings to ancestors and deities.

Japanese culture encourages a similar practice called Satogaeri shussan, which encourages the pregnant mother to return to her paternal home for physical and mental support and childcare assistance from her parents during the prenatal and postpartum period.

Korean postpartum care centers on sanhujori services where professionals help cook and care for the mother, baby, and family holistically. While they started with humble roots, there are now luxury resorts and spas that offer similar services for pampered moms. This helps protect the sacred recovery time for mothers, the Saam-chil-il or 21 days dedicated to guarding the wellbeing of the mother and baby. Research shows this helps reduce stress for new moms and nurtures a sense of connection with the community.

Meanwhile, in some Indian traditions, admiring the newborn is frowned upon as it could bring envy and cast najar, something akin to the evil eye. Some families are reluctant to have their newborns weighed for the same reason. And when it comes to breastfeeding there are traditional specificities, too. According to Sushrtua (ancient Indian scriptures), a new mother should begin breastfeeding specifically on the 5th day after a celebration called chhatti.

For members of the Nepalese community, healing from childbirth involves a variety of mindfulness practices and support from village health workers who help deliver community-based postpartum packages. In Southeast Asian descendants and especially Indonesia and the Philippines, many new parents use kinship-based beliefs to learn how to care for babies, inviting their own mothers to live with them under the same room and pass on traditional home remedies. 

Balancing these traditions with your personal preferences and the realities of modern healthcare can be challenging.You may feel pressure to adhere to such traditional customs, or equally to engage in them yet face resistance or judgment from your Western friends or healthcare providers.

Setting boundaries and being clear about what you want and need will help you deal with the opinions of others. While your family’s involvement can be a source of support, and your medical team’s advice is surely indispensable, it’s also important to assert your own needs and preferences, especially when it comes to how you want to raise your child in those critical early days. Understanding the specific coping mechanisms that work well for you will help you stick to a sustainable wellness routine.

Boundary-setting and pressure to be a good parent when raising your child

As your child grows, so too do the challenges and rewards of parenthood. For Asian American parents, raising a child often involves navigating the complexities of cultural identity, intergenerational trauma, and societal expectations.

You may find yourself reflecting on the ways that your upbringing has shaped you and considering how you want to raise your child differently. For many, this involves a conscious effort to break cycles of intergenerational trauma and to foster a parenting style that promotes self-advocacy, open communication, and emotional well-being. In fact, a large majority of Asian Americans (62%) say non-Asian American parents don’t put enough pressure on their kids.

Creating a supportive environment for your child, where they can explore their cultural identity and feel connected to their heritage while also integrating into the society they are growing up in, is a delicate balance. Encouraging open dialogue about their experiences as a minority and helping them build confidence in their identity are crucial aspects of this process.

Setting boundaries with extended family members, who may have strong opinions about how your child should be raised, is often necessary to ensure that you can parent in a way that aligns with your values and vision. This may be especially difficult when your parenting style differs from the traditional approaches valued by your family, but your differences can hopefully be bridged or at least accepted through adopting a fruitful style of communication that both acknowledges and respects the value of their input, whilst prioritizing your vision as a parent.

Practicing boundary-setting can help protect your marriage. During this time, your relationship with your partner can be strained as you find yourself having less time and patience to connect with each other. Asian Americans prioritize getting and being married, and learning to create space for you and your partner can help to nurture kindness to keep the partnership healthy.

The Effects of Parenting as an Asian American

The experience of parenting as an Asian American can bring about a range of emotional experiences, including anxiety, guilt, stress, shame, and people-pleasing tendencies. These are often rooted in the cultural expectations and pressures that come with being part of a minority group within a broader society.

Anxiety

Anxiety may arise from the pressure to raise your child in a way that satisfies both your cultural values and the norms of the society you live in. You may worry about whether you are doing enough to preserve your cultural heritage while also ensuring your child feels integrated into their social environment. Paired with several opinions in your ear, from both your medical team and your family who may be telling you how to eat and what to do for the sake of your baby, it’s understandable that you may feel anxious.

Guilt

Guilt is a common emotion for many parents, but it can be especially pronounced for Asian American parents who feel torn between their own desires and the expectations of their family. You could feel guilty for implementing boundaries with your parents. You may even have blame placed upon you for any complications that arise, based on old wives tales. In Hong Kong, for example, a survey found that 92.5 per cent of participants wrongly believed that long-term stress was a cause of pregnancy loss, and over half the respondents held misconceptions that lifestyle choices, such as strenuous exercise or lifting heavy weights, had an influence on miscarriages.

Stress

The stress of balancing multiple roles and expectations can take a toll on your well-being. As you strive to be the best parent you can be, while also managing the expectations of your family and society, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. You are confronting a very big life change, and it’s completely normal for that to come with uncertainty and a bit of resistance.

Shame

Shame can emerge when you feel that you are not living up to the expectations placed upon you, whether by your family, your culture, or society at large. This can be compounded by the fact that your parenting choices may differ from those of your peers or from the traditional practices of your culture.

People-Pleasing

The desire to please others, especially your family, can influence your approach to parenting. You may find yourself prioritizing the needs and desires of your family over your own instincts and preferences as a parent, leading to feelings of resentment or dissatisfaction.

Five culturally responsive support options for Asian-American parents

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are several support options available to help you on this journey, that understand and recognize your cultural context as an Asian-American.

Attending Wellness Workshops and Accessing Digital Resources

• Educate yourself about the historical and cultural context of the Asian diaspora to unpack the diversity of the Asian community. By learning more about other approaches to embracing your Asian identity, you can find nuanced ways to connect with yourself more authentically.

• Read digital articles about intersectionality to do the self-discovery work that is so important to sticking with your values

• Watch a training about burnout prevention and resilience building to be prepared for the enhanced stress that comes with parenting

• Listen to expert panels discuss how to manage anger, guilt, and resentment that might arise during the family planning process

Destigmatizing by hearing diverse stories

• Broader your horizons by hearing Asian individuals speak about their relationship with their families and how this shaped their view of caregiving

• Follow accounts like Anise Health on Instagram to gain exposure to the diversity of the Asian diaspora

• Review a Mental Health America event about intergenerational mental health and expectations to normalize the stress you may be experiencing.

Friends & Family Who Understand

Mutual aid can be incredibly powerful. Reach out to those in your community who have faced similar challenges. Whether it’s fellow Asian American parents, friends, or cousins who share your struggles, building a support network of people who understand your experience can provide valuable insight and encouragement.

For example, you can also ask them to help you look into psychoeducational materials for you to help educate you on areas you were unfamiliar with. One starting point, as an example, could be the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) site on Parental Health and Wellbeing, their special advisory for caregivers’ mental health and their Parents Under Pressure guide.

Peer Support Groups

If you prefer a more structured setting, consider joining a peer support group. These groups can offer a safe space to share your experiences and learn from others who are navigating similar challenges. Peer support groups, such as those offered by organizations like Anise, can help you feel less isolated and more empowered in your parenting journey.

Culturally Competent Care

Where do you start if you want to be more self-aware and learn the right relaxation techniques to help you cope with life’s challenges?

For those seeking professional support, culturally competent care can make a significant difference. Working with a therapist or coach who understands your cultural background can help you navigate the complexities of parenting as an Asian American. They can provide tools and strategies that are tailored to your unique experiences and help you frame your challenges in a way that honors your heritage.

Join Anise today to experience culturally competent care by completing this short intake form.