A Hot Mess: What a realistic mental health journey looks like

Hi. I’m Trixi Anne Agiao, I’m Filipina American, and I am here to tell you that it is okay if you feel like a super hot mess. I have been in and out of therapy for about 15 years. This is the best my mental health has ever been, and I still feel like a hot mess all the time!

Am I an actual hot mess? Maybe. That’s subjective, but I can tell you that even if I am a hot mess, I’m a hot mess that loves herself. I am a hot mess that knows how to set boundaries at work and at home. I am constantly improving on how to treat myself better so that other people will do the same. I’m stubbornly and thankfully living the life I want as an artist. I have people who really love me, and I am not afraid of loving people.

It took me a long time to get to where I am today. Still, I am not perfect. The other week I still went home and cried after setting a boundary at work just because I still horribly dislike confrontation.  Life is hard, and bravery does not usually look like we think it looks like. Neither does strength. If you can stand up to someone who is being wrong to you, but there is mucus flowing from your nose and your eyes are swollen from all the tears pouring down, you’re still being brave and strong!

I think sometimes people get intimidated by or turned off from working on their mental health because they think it’s supposed to look a certain way. People think that having good mental health means having a zen demeanor with a wise soothing voice and doing hours of yoga and meditation. It could look that way. 

It does not look that way for me! 

I actually do yoga, but I do yoga because sitting and breathing for too long makes me more anxious. My voice is far from soothing, and I think my demeanor is of a clumsy “recovering perfectionist” who again cries as she stands up for herself. That is fine. That is healthy. What was not healthy was an unrelenting perfectionist who made herself cry with the amount of hate she gave herself every day.

There is no one way to approach mental health, and it makes sense that you may have to try on a bunch of different things before you find what works for you. You might want to try getting back into old things that you used to do before life got too busy, like playing basketball or reading. You could also try new things like watercolor painting or learning fast meals for people on a budget. For some of us, the answer will actually be giving up things like going to social event after social event because we think we are supposed to do that while we can. 

One thing I did was go on dates with myself. I took myself out to pho and hikes. It was super weird at first, but I needed to learn how to be with myself in a non-hateful way.

Then there is…therapy! The last resort for many of us that really does not need to be a last resort. Honestly, therapy was my last resort when I first tried it. I did not know of the concept of mental illness until I was a teenager, and I did not hear the words “mental health” until I was in college. I really wish I had been able to go to therapy as a child. I think that would have made a big difference in my life

Caring about your mental health is a fairly new concept, especially in Asian American and other minority communities. Crying is seen as a form of rebellion or ungratefulness. You are supposed to live the life your parents expect you to because they sacrificed everything to get you here. Ideas of self-regulating your emotions, figuring out what your values are aside from what your family and friends think, setting boundaries and all those things are so new.  They’re so new to us that they can appear and sometimes feel selfish or disrespectful. Really, it’s just us growing. It’s us approaching the unknown future possibilities we have never had before. But it can be lonely, especially when BIPOC mental health resources are so few and far between. 

If you do want to try starting therapy as an Asian American, you could find a lot of value in culturally-responsive therapy. A culturally competent therapist will be trained to understand how your heritage and culture can affect your experience of mental health, and to respect all parts of your identity.

If that feels like a big step, like a scary step, that’s because it can be. Not just for us, but for our family members and community members. Change is scary. We know this, and so it’s important for each of us to decide if that fear is worth facing or if we’d rather stay how we are.Sometimes, we’re really not ready for change because we’re driven by safety or many other valid reasons. Maybe right now your motivator is curiosity. What is mental health versus mental illness? Why is mental health important? Those are wonderful questions to get you started on whatever journey you want to take.

If you are struggling with your mental health, me too…

I have made so much progress, but I super still struggle with feeling “enough”. I have to constantly check in with my inclusive therapists about whether or not my body image issues are slipping into full dysmorphia. My parents still do not know I am in therapy after all this time. Being of Asian heritage, I’m not sure if they would take it personally. If they would consider it an offense against their parenting, or be ashamed because of mental health stigma. And even though I know it is for my own well being, there are times where I feel like a bad person about it. 

Again, this is me at the best my mental health has ever been. Things before were dark. They were dark for a very long time.  I could not see light at the end of a tunnel. I sincerely thought the “realities” my mental illnesses created in my head were the truth. I could not see past these lies, and I thought I had an expiration date. I could not see all the wonderful things that I could possibly experience. I did not know that I could like myself, let alone love myself. I really wish that present me could take my heart and mind, travel back to the past, and just put them into past Trixi. If I could, I wish I could do that to you because when you are really struggling, you just cannot see all the possibilities you have in front of you. I cannot tell you that things will get better farther you go on your journey, but I can tell you that they can.

 As long as you keep going, even if you cannot see those possibilities, they are all still there.

Is that still scary? Of course! Life is scary! Again, unknown equals scary. I am scared. Other people are scared. It’s fine. We can all be scared together. 

Scared. Brave. Strong. Hot messes. Together.