Caught In Between
Written by: Naomi Yu
When you grow up Asian-American, you get a lot of mixed messages. Kids learn to code-switch early as a matter of survival. This comes instinctively and we quickly learn what is okay at home that is not okay at school and so on.
Whether we know it or not, the communities that we belong to teach us what is important, how to behave, and how the world around us works. Even if your family has already been in the US for generations, the way you were raised is still impacted by your culture of origin, your family’s immigration history, and the historical contexts which shaped your family’s story.
Code-switching isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it is a necessary skill as we mature and begin participating in a world that is full of diverse places and faces. Learning discernment and becoming adaptable helps us thrive.
However, this bicultural tension can also lead to internal conflicts and confusion. Especially in Asian cultures where the emphasis is on following authority, a lot of us haven’t been encouraged to think critically for ourselves. We aren’t sure how to answer the questions of who we want to be and what kind of life we want to live. It’s easy to get lost in all the messaging and become reliant on others to tell us what to do. The problem is, following every single direction is impossible.
A lot of Asian-Americans feel caught in-between: not American enough to be accepted out in the world and not Asian enough to be accepted at home. You wake up and go to work feeling unseen and dissatisfied, having hit the bamboo ceiling. When you are out and about you stay on guard for microaggressions and, in recent years, physical attacks. When a social interaction feels off, you wonder, “Are they treating me like this because I look different?” Then you go home or try to be with your family. When you speak to your parents, you stumble over your mother tongue which makes communication difficult. On top of that, you’re reminded of their un-American expectations for you, your career, and your life. This kind of life is exhausting.
If you can relate to anything in today’s post, I would like to encourage you to offer yourself some grace and compassion. Know that you’re not alone in the burdens you carry. When you’re caught in-between, it can feel like there isn’t any place where you can relax, be yourself, and have that be enough. It becomes vitally important for us to find places, relationships, and communities to take refuge in. Finding a culturally-responsive therapist is one place to start, but we can also draw strength from friends, being in nature, spiritual communities, or any number of other sources. Everybody deserves to remember that they are enough, just as they are.
Learn more about acculturative stress here.
Author’s bio:
Naomi (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (CA - LMFT#110092) and Registered Art Therapist (ATR) based in the San Francisco Bay Area and Portland, OR. She is a psychotherapist with Anise Health. She also has a private practice and leads groups/workshops in corporate, nonprofit, and community settings. In addition, Naomi serves on the Advisory Circle for New Seneca Village, a nonprofit network offering restorative retreats for cis, trans and non-binary Black, Indigenous and women of color leaders.
