The Carrot or The Stick
Written by: Naomi Yu
Oftentimes, my work with clients involves working with their inner critic. Let me tell you, some of these internal voices are MEAN.
“You’re SO stupid!”
“Why can’t you get it together?!”
“Nobody else has this problem, there must be something wrong with you.”
Needless to say, when this inner critic pops up my clients don’t feel very good about themselves. Sometimes when we do a little digging, they’re able to recognize that this voice sounds an awful lot like somebody else. Unfortunately, a lot of Asian parenting centers around applying more pressure (the stick) to get your kids to change.
So many of us have internalized this belief that if we pushed ourselves hard enough we would get the results we want. We start forming core beliefs in early childhood when most of our learning comes from copying what we see modeled for us. Despite how old we are or how far away we live from our parents now, we continue to use the tactics that we inherited to get ourselves to do challenging things.
The truth is that fear, guilt, and shame are not the most effective teaching tools. While they can definitely produce results quickly, they generally focus on what NOT to do instead of what TO do. How many of us have memories of getting yelled at for doing something wrong, while never being told what exactly we were actually supposed to be doing? Now compare that to how many memories we have of being praised when we did something well?
Not only is this criticizing approach unclear, it also comes with a variety of side effects. What fear and shame often teaches us is how to pretend better, lie better, or hide better. We become adept at avoiding punishment while never dealing with the actual problem. Fear and shame over time also lead to long-lasting negative impacts on our self-esteem, our ability to connect to others, and perversely, our ability to change.
Even when we recognize that we’re being too harsh on ourselves, it’s hard to change because this pattern has WORKED, to a certain degree. Self-criticism has gotten us to where we are now and we’re scared of falling apart if we practice self-compassion instead. If this is you, know that there is a very valid reason why you ended up like this. There’s no need to beat yourself up for beating yourself up!
So that brings us to positive reinforcement (the carrot). To be clear, positive reinforcement doesn’t have to mean a tangible reward. Positive reinforcement can also be self-validation and kind words. Some sort of affirmation that indicates we are moving in the right direction, even if we aren’t all the way there yet.
Growing up in an immigrant community, it’s safe to say I didn’t see a lot of positive reinforcement going around. The idea of congratulating ourselves for a job well done seems very foreign if you’ve never seen it modeled. Maybe we think that encouragement will make us soft. Maybe we worry that it will teach us to rely on external rewards. However, I can assure you that making somebody feel bad about themselves does not lead to resilience and empowerment. Instead, it often leaves us feeling discouraged, helpless, and hopeless.
How can we practice being kinder to ourselves? A couple of places to start:
Use a both/and approach instead of all-or-nothing. → “I’m not where I want to be yet AND I’ve already come so far.”
Celebrate effective efforts, not fixed traits. When we adopt this mindset, it gives us hope that through our efforts, we can get to where we want to go. If we’ve been used to success because we’re “smart” or “talented”, we can end up with a fixed belief in innate ability, which doesn’t give us much room to grow.
Focus more on the process and less on the outcome. When we focus on outcomes only, anything less than what we want becomes a failure. Highlighting different parts of the process that went well or things you learned along the way provides a more well-rounded perspective. Combined with the both/and approach, we can acknowledge our small wins AND problem-solve why we didn’t get the outcome we wanted.
Think back to your younger self - when you were facing something challenging, what did you wish your parents would have said?
What would you say to your best friend if they were facing the same problem?
Don’t lie. Positive reinforcement isn’t about shirking responsibility. Don’t tell yourself everything is ok if it’s not.
When it comes down to it, people generally respond better to the carrot rather than the stick. While positive reinforcement might take longer to produce desired results, the changes tend to be more long-lasting and authentic, leading to a greater overall well-being.
Author’s bio:
Naomi (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (CA - LMFT#110092) and Registered Art Therapist (ATR) based in the San Francisco Bay Area and Portland, OR. She is a psychotherapist with Anise Health. She also has a private practice and leads groups/workshops in corporate, nonprofit, and community settings. In addition, Naomi serves on the Advisory Circle for New Seneca Village, a nonprofit network offering restorative retreats for cis, trans and non-binary Black, Indigenous and women of color leaders.
