Celebrating Pride: A Journey of Authenticity: An Interview with My Best Friend
Written by: Shyla Batliwalla
In celebration of Pride, I chatted with my best friend of over 20 years. He shared his journey as a gay South Asian male who defied stereotypes and embraced authenticity. There were of course challenges, but also unwavering support, love, and acceptance. His story is one of courage, vulnerability, and self-acceptance all while navigating complex societal expectations and intergenerational family dynamics. It was a reminder of the diverse stories within the AAPI and LGBTQ+ communities, the power of breaking down barriers, and ultimately of why he is my favorite member of our chosen family.
Q: Can you share your journey of self-discovery and ultimately self-acceptance as a gay Asian American male?
A: I came out in my late twenties; I was slow to become comfortable with my identity. While many people come out at a younger age, I took time to understand and embrace my sexuality. Leaving home finally allowed me space to explore and accept who I am. Fortunately, my parents (unlike other South Asian parents) never placed much emphasis on marriage or discussed relationships. This made it easier for me to explore my own truth. In my mid-twenties, I started secretly meeting people through dating websites, taking small steps towards self-discovery.
I had a boyfriend for three years and I didn't share him with anyone. When I eventually came out to my loved ones, I was overwhelmed with their love and acceptance. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have experienced such a positive response from those closest to me. When I first told my mom, she just stared at me in silence like she didn't fully comprehend what I was saying. I became agitated and yelled at her saying she had to accept me for who I was. Looking back, I wish I had been more patient, but at the time, defensiveness took over. I came out to my dad during a walk a few weeks later, impulsively blurting out, “I’m gay!” To my surprise, he immediately hugged me and offered unwavering support. As an Asian father who grew up in a different time, his acceptance was unexpected and heartwarming. He became my champion, urging me to connect with other gay individuals within the South Asian community and support them.
Q: Do you think being from a South Asian family impacted you coming out later?
A: Not necessarily. The reason I didn't come out earlier had more to do with my fear of disappointing my parents rather than a concern that they wouldn’t accept me. They never explicitly conveyed that being gay was wrong. I distinctly remember my dad saying, “Live and let live,” when a conversation about Prop 8 arose prior to me being close to even knowing I was gay. I didn't feel the need to announce my sexual orientation to our wider South Asian community; I wasn't particularly worried about their opinions of me. I am protective of my parents though as they have faced bigotry themselves, and I didn't want them to experience any additional hardships because of my sexuality. So I kept it a secret from the larger community for some time.
When I was younger, I remember the fear of being discovered as gay triggered panic attacks— it felt like a matter of life or death. Many LGBTQI+ individuals become skilled at hiding their true selves, developing an inherent fear of being exposed. Undoing that experience and overcoming the associated shame is a significant part of the journey. While I personally don’t carry much shame about being gay and have never felt that there was anything wrong with me, shame is a common aspect for many people, especially when it intersects with religious beliefs. For me, it was more about not wanting to hurt anyone by being gay, which is why I eventually chose to be open about it. By staying in the closet, I was inadvertently hurting others, leading them on and perpetuating a lie. The fear of being found out was consuming me, and I knew it was time to be true to myself.
Q: How did the larger community eventually find out about your sexual orientation?
A: I introduced my boyfriend at an event with my South Asian community. I finally felt ok to reveal my true self. I disclosed my sexuality individually to personal friends, and fortunately, they were all supportive so I felt it was time to tell the larger community. I haven't faced any negative reactions so far. However I got engaged two weeks ago, (side note: hurray and congrats!!!) and I shared the news of my engagement with my grandmother. She was silent. She may not have explicitly known about my sexuality. I just think she wasn't sure how to handle the information since she is from a much different generation.
Q: Representation matters, especially in terms of visibility and inclusivity. As a gay Asian American male, how do you think we can foster more representation and create safe spaces for individuals who share similar identities?
A: The key to fostering more representation lies in visibility. Throughout my lifetime, I've witnessed a significant shift in people’s perceptions. Before someone comes out as gay, they are often seen as outsiders or “weirdos.” However, as more and more individuals embrace their true selves and come out, families begin to realize that someone they love and care about is gay, and they are not awful or disgusting. They begin to understand that the gay person in their life is still their niece, nephew, or friend. Representation has played a vital role in changing people's perspectives.
Additionally, I've become more aware of the challenges faced by transgender individuals, and I believe fostering visibility and respecting people’s pronouns are crucial steps toward creating a more inclusive society. We must question why certain life choices provoke such angry responses that have no impact on our own lives. Supporting representation, living authentically, and being respectful are key components of creating a more inclusive environment.
Q: Mental health is an important aspect of our overall well-being. Can you speak to any unique mental health challenges that you have faced or observed within the gay Asian American community?
A: When I initially sought therapy, I struggled to find a suitable therapist. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist recommended by my family. My dad didn't fully understand why I wanted therapy since I didn't have a textbook mental illness. There was some resistance, which I believe stemmed from his upbringing as an Asian male and the lingering stigma around mental health. Despite my encouragement, he didn't feel the need for therapy himself. I had to advocate for my own mental well-being, assuring him that there was nothing wrong with me. However, my dad has shown exceptional growth, actively listening and learning over time. His initial resistance likely stemmed from cultural factors, but he now recognizes the importance of mental health.
Q: Allies play a crucial role in supporting marginalized communities. As individuals outside the gay Asian American male experience, how can we be effective allies, and what actions can we take to create a more inclusive and accepting environment for all?
A: Effective allies can support gay Asian American males by actively advocating for our rights and experiences. This includes challenging stereotypes and misconceptions, both within our own communities and in broader society. Allies can help create a more inclusive and accepting environment by educating themselves about the challenges faced by gay Asian American males and using their voices to amplify our stories. They can engage in open and empathetic conversations, listening to our lived experiences and validating our struggles. Allies should also actively work to dismantle systems of oppression and discrimination that perpetuate inequality. By standing up against bigotry, promoting equal rights, and supporting initiatives that foster diversity and inclusion, allies play a crucial role in creating a better world for all individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation or cultural background.
Shyla Batliwalla, AMFT, is a psychotherapist, teacher, and wellness leader. She has been working at the intersection of education, mindfulness, and mental health for a decade. Her therapeutic interests include women, BIPOC and marginalized communities, adolescents and teens, fertility and perinatal support, and couples.
Shyla believes that all healthy relationships come down to two things: empathy and boundaries. She also believes that a greater sense of self-awareness allows us to have a deeper understanding of who we are and better see how we connect to our community and world.
