Life at the Intersections
Written by: Naomi Yu
Happy Pride Month! June is a time of celebration and recognition for the LGBTQIA+ community. We recognize both the progress that has been made as well as the struggles that continue. Although we have come a long way in validating and loving our queer folx, there are still many battles being waged for compassion and equality.
When you hold a marginalized identity, such as being a person of color or identifying as queer, it’s hard to move through a world that is not built to support your well-being. There are a lot of harmful prejudices, stigma, and misconceptions that you have to navigate on a consistent basis. We usually have fewer role models, less support, and fewer places to feel truly safe. Even if you are white or heterosexual presenting, you may then experience erasure, in which your sense of self, experiences, and feelings are dismissed simply because they are not visibly obvious.
When you hold multiple marginalized identities, the challenges multiply. Life at these intersections comes with unique considerations that should be acknowledged.
Oftentimes, it means you have to choose one side of yourself to focus on. Unfortunately, experiencing prejudice ourselves does not automatically make us kind, loving, and empathetic to all others. Plenty of Asian Americans hold homophobic beliefs, and plenty of people in the LGBTQIA+ community perpetuate racial discrimination. Do you spend time with people who understand your jokes about your immigrant parents, but ignore your pronouns? Or do you choose the people who can help you navigate the process of coming out but then also say things like “I would never date an Asian”?
In an ideal world, you wouldn’t have to choose. But queer Asian Americans are often forced to. Encountering discrimination in so many places can really amplify the feeling of not belonging anywhere, and that takes a great toll on our well-being over time.
The lack of role models is similarly challenging. Representation helps us feel seen, helps us imagine greater possibilities for ourselves, and helps show us that we belong. A lack of it can contribute to feelings of exclusion and otherness. This is changing in recent years with the rise of more outspoken celebrities, such as Stephanie Hsu, the queer Chinese/Taiwanese-American actress from Everything Everywhere All at Once, or Alok, a Malaysian/Indian-American gender nonconforming performance artist. However, we also need closer role models in our own communities and those can still be hard to find today.
In addition, in many Asian cultures sex is already a stigmatized subject on its own. Being queer even more so perpetuates the discomfort associated with the subject, although some of that stigma can be traced back to Western influences and colonization. When there’s already a lack of space to talk about sex, who can you turn to if you are grappling with your gender or sexual identity? Who will support you as you try to figure yourself out? Would your parents even understand what it means to be bisexual, and would they love and accept you still? These questions can weigh heavily and make it harder to lead a life that is authentic.
When you try to imagine your future from a collectivist perspective, it can be hard to know where you fit in. So many standards of success in Asian families involve heteronormative expectations, such as getting married and having a family. There are a lot of gender roles that people are expected to play in terms of how they contribute to their family and community. It’s common to feel guilt and shame if you don’t want those things, or if you are not “allowed” to have those things.
Life at the intersections often comes with heavy issues to work through. Society likes to put people and things in boxes, and there is a lot of pushback when you don’t fit neatly within the lines. Stepping outside of these constraints means taking a leap into the unknown, which can be scary but also freeing.
If you see your experiences reflected in this post, extend yourself some love and grace today. Look for the people who understand and love as much of you as possible. A lot of joy comes from the experience of being fully seen, including all the different aspects of your identity. If you are an ally, extend some love to the people in your life who need it. Recognize that your LGBTQIA+ loved ones need compassion and understanding. Individual healing is collective healing, and we’re all in this together.
Naomi (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (CA - LMFT#110092) and Registered Art Therapist (ATR) based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is a psychotherapist with Anise Health. She also has a private practice and leads groups/workshops in corporate, nonprofit, and community settings. In addition, Naomi serves on the Advisory Circle for New Seneca Village, a nonprofit network offering restorative retreats for cis, trans and non-binary Black, Indigenous and women of color leaders.
