Finding Our Way
Written by: Naomi Yu
You’ve been working hard on yourself. You’ve been learning a lot, unpacking your habits and reactions to better understand you and your mental health. You know where you get stuck and maybe you’ve started practicing some skills to better manage your emotions. You’re able to see yourself and your relationships much more clearly and you can even understand the external influences that have influenced you.
Where do you go from here?
As discussed in “Caught In Between”, so many of us Asian Americans get stuck between conflicting sets of values. Whether it’s the clash between our family and friends or being Asian and being American, we are getting mixed messages all the time about what is right for us. It’s up to us to sift through what we have inherited and pick out what we want to keep.
As we begin to say goodbye to our inherited burdens, there also comes the opportunity to dream about how we want to fill the space. Knowing what we are working towards can also make it easier to let go. When we haven’t been encouraged to think or care for ourselves, this process can seem daunting. Developing this kind of insight about your inner Self takes practice and time, just as it would take time to get to know a new friend. Here is one way to start.
First, try to think back to what I call “moments of yes!” These are the times in our lives when it feels like everything has clicked into place. We can even feel it in our bodies, when we feel light and free. People often describe these moments as having a lot of internal clarity and groundedness, not discounting the risks but no longer letting fear rule them. Often in these moments we feel confident not about having made the perfect choice, but rather in our ability to handle whatever comes next. Moments of yes can come in big shapes like leaving a relationship and also small quiet forms like watching a sunset.
Then, try to figure out WHY this was a moment of yes. What were the qualities that made this memory so powerful? What were you doing, who were you with, what values were you acting upon that felt so good for you? Maybe the memory of that sunset was powerful because you felt a sense of Wonder, or you felt Connected to nature. Maybe it was actually more about the fact that you had just completed a challenging hike on your own and you felt proud of your Independence. If you get stuck, it can be helpful to Google a list of values and take a look if any of them resonate with you. Take a look also at what your actions tell you about your values. What do you end up choosing, instead of what you say you want or what you think you should do? What would you choose if you weren’t under pressure?
As you reflect on your moments of yes, some common themes might emerge. If you can, try to distill what you discover down into about five or so values. Narrowing it down is tough! Of course we want it all, but it’s not possible to prioritize everything. Values change throughout the course of our lives so whatever you choose is just for your current chapter.
I think of my values as my guiding stars. As long as the direction is right, the specific route we take to get there isn’t as important. There are an infinite number of ways to move towards Connection, for example. Some people might find it by volunteering, others by reaching out to friends, and others might choose to feel more connected to nature. From here it takes some experimentation to figure out what works for you. Over time and many baby steps, we build confidence not only in our choices but also our ability to act on our values.
Finding our own way does not mean rejecting everything we were ever taught. It does mean taking the time to choose what we want to move towards. With thoughtful intention, there is a way to honor valuable parts of our culture while also cultivating a meaningful life for ourselves.
Author’s bio:
Naomi (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (CA - LMFT#110092) and Registered Art Therapist (ATR) based in the San Francisco Bay Area and Portland, OR. She is a psychotherapist with Anise Health. She also has a private practice and leads groups/workshops in corporate, nonprofit, and community settings. In addition, Naomi serves on the Advisory Circle for New Seneca Village, a nonprofit network offering restorative retreats for cis, trans, and non-binary Black, Indigenous, and women of color leaders.
