Why Are They Like That?
Written by: Naomi Yu
As we continue on our healing journeys and begin to understand more about ourselves, there is a reckoning that happens. The more we learn about our mental health, the better we are able to trace who we are today to our experiences in the past. Oftentimes, we connect the dots back to our parents’/caregivers' actions. This can initially lead us into painful spaces of anger and grief that are challenging yet necessary to face.
With many clients, there eventually comes a fork in the road. As they begin to see themselves and their relationships in a new light, they need to decide whether or not to maintain these connections. For those of us coming from collectivist cultures, it can be unthinkable to cut off our families. Sometimes there are other reasons for why we need to stay in a relationship, such as physical safety, housing, or other types of financial support. So how do you maintain a relationship with people who have hurt you?
One route that can be helpful is starting to see your family as whole people, rather than just who they are in relation to you. This type of exploration can help us answer the question, “Why are they like that?” While it certainly doesn’t excuse their behavior, it can help us begin to understand. Sometimes, it can even help us take a step back from our own suffering. When we see others as whole people, we begin to see that their actions stem from their own experiences and issues. Their mistreatment of us is not because we are bad, we are not good enough, or we deserve it. In fact, we begin to see that what happened to us when we were young was actually not our fault at all.
In my experience, there are three common reasons why our immigrant parents were often unable to give us what we needed.
They have suffered their own traumas.
These come in many different shapes and forms. Sometimes it is deeply personal, perhaps from their own parents. Other times the trauma may be on a broader scale, such as living in poverty or surviving a war. Their immigration histories are a great place to look for clues - What were they escaping from? Who and what did they leave behind? How did they get to their new homes? We know today that trauma significantly impacts our emotional development, core beliefs, and ways of interacting with others.
There are significant cultural differences.
Mental health as we think of it in the Western world is composed of very new ideas. Older generations often have a much different understanding and experience of emotions. This is just as true in other cultures. In Mandarin, the language literally lacks words for many emotions that we can name in English. Japanese culture tends to view emotions less as things that belong to somebody and more as existing between people. Different cultural values may also mean that it is much less important to be able to identify how one feels, and much more important to understand how something impacts the group as a whole.*
They never learned how.
This can be true when there are traumas and cultural differences, and it can also be true without those things. If our parents did not have good modeling for the type of emotional parenting that we needed, it is much less likely that they would be able to figure it out on their own. Even if they were able to recognize that they were falling short, it is hard to overcome old patterns and try something new.
While many things are not our fault, as we grow up, it becomes our responsibility. It’s a challenging balance to acknowledge the factors that impacted us without falling into the victimhood of blaming. If you aren’t ready, that’s okay. If you never want to go down this path, that’s an equally valid choice too. Grief and anger and hurt deserve their due space.
However, if you find yourself at this fork in the road, more understanding can lead to more acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean we approve of how people treat us. It surely does not mean we need to keep ourselves in a position where we keep getting hurt. Seeing things more clearly helps us come to terms with if and how we can move forward with these people in our lives.
*If you’re curious about how cultures experience emotions differently, check out this podcast or this book.
Author’s bio:
Naomi (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (CA - LMFT#110092) and Registered Art Therapist (ATR) based in the San Francisco Bay Area and Portland, OR. She is a psychotherapist with Anise Health. She also has a private practice and leads groups/workshops in corporate, nonprofit, and community settings. In addition, Naomi serves on the Advisory Circle for New Seneca Village, a nonprofit network offering restorative retreats for cis, trans and non-binary Black, Indigenous and women of color leaders.
